


A Safe Place

by swordandpen



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Other, Psychological Trauma, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 09:11:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10693929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordandpen/pseuds/swordandpen
Summary: Traumatized Nat and (nonbinary) Bucky finding unexpected reassurance from each other, slowly. And (Bucky especially) learning what it means to be safe around other people rather than from being alone. Sam and Steve are mentioned and may appear in person at some point (but I'm not sure so it's not tagged with them yet).





	A Safe Place

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for mention of trauma, pretty vague mentions of past abuse, narrating characters having not the most positive mindsets, allusions to suicidal thoughts (and an internalized-ableism description of that from the relevant character about themselves).

The sky was purple and indigo, like a new bruise. Natasha walked silently across the roof toward Bucky. Bucky sat in a crouch and stared out at the city below. Ey would have looked relaxed to nearly anyone but Natasha, who noticed how tightly eir arms were held against eir body and the way the fingers of eir left hand clutched the t-shirt on their right side.

Natasha folded herself down a few feet away, looking out the same direction Bucky was. Their building was the tallest in the neighborhood, and none of the others would let anyone see them up there. The only skyscrapers were well off in the distance.

They could have seen a lot of the stars this early in the morning, if it weren’t for the light pollution.

“I’m not going to do anything stupid; you don’t need to check on me,” Bucky said bluntly. “I just didn’t feel like sleeping.”

“I didn’t think you would. Sleep wasn’t that… welcoming to me either, so I thought I’d get some fresh air,” Natasha replied.

Bucky didn’t answer. Ey shifted eir weight slightly.

 

“…It’s too warm inside for me to sleep,” Bucky finally replied, looking down away from Natasha. 

“It’s more comfortable up here for me, too,” Natasha said casually but quietly.

Indoors, Bucky thought, things were ‘normal.’ When his mind turned sideways, the world seemed to as well, and ‘normal’ became dangerous. It became a lie, a trick. When Steve asked ey talked about how ey was used to ‘sleeping’ in a cryochamber, but Bucky knew that was tied up in some other shit ey couldn’t begin to imagine how to explain to Steve without hurting him.

Natasha had got free years before he did. But stuff like she – like both of them - had been through doesn’t leave just because you’ve left it, not cleanly anyway.

They stayed quiet that for a few minutes, as they watched cars roll past below them and they heard a train rattle by.

Natasha said suddenly, “I used to handcuff myself to the bed every night to sleep.”

That got Bucky to look at her. Her tone was almost flippant, but there was a tiredness in her eyes Bucky didn’t usually see. Even before when she’d come back from missions, having not slept for over 24 hours. Sure she’d looked tired then; but not in the same way she did now, almost… sad.

Why let that show now? She knew he could see her face in the dim light, didn’t she?

“Doesn’t seem safe to me,” Bucky replied, in an imitation of her casual tone.

“I just got used to it, I guess. They told us it was so no one could steal us away.” She laughed sharply. “Sometimes all this,” she said while she waved her arm towards the apartment below them, and rolled her unconstrained wrists, “still feels like it isn’t right, somehow.”

Bucky shifted out of the crouch to sit cross-legged like Natasha was. Ey wanted to say a lot of things, but the words weren’t there for the most part. So Bucky just nodded slowly. Ey heard Nat exhale, and she seemed to relax her shoulders a bit.

“Do you know if there were more stars at night in Brooklyn back when you were younger?” she asked. “Or were they only visible in the middle of nowhere, even then?”

It’s a test, Bucky thought for a moment; to see how much I remember, to see how much of James Buchanan Barnes is left. But ey reconsidered when ey look over at Natasha’s face. She wasn’t looking to see what reaction ey had – not even out of the corner of her eye. Instead she’s looking up and slightly away, tracking the lights of a plane far overhead with her eyes.

“I’m not sure,” was the only answer ey could think of. Ey looked up, to a few small distant spots of glowing on the darkest part of the sky, where it was indigo instead of purple or orange like the city lights. They made Bucky think of half-melted snowflakes on a blue wool jacket, on someone’s – on eir – shoulder. Ey shivered once and pushed the memory away. “There are still a few though,” Bucky said, and pointed up.

Natasha nodded slightly. She stretched her legs out so her heels were resting a few inches from the edge, and leaned back to look straight up at the sky. She pulled up the hood of the baggy sweatshirt she was wearing, as if that were enough of a pillow for her on the hard surface of the roof. Bucky watched out of the corner of eir eyes. Then ey went back to searching for stars, and scanning the horizon for any trouble.

 

Twenty or so minutes later Bucky glanced at Natasha again. Her eyes were shut, with no sign of fear or fake calm on her face; she only looked slightly perturbed as she shifted in her sleep. She ended up rolling over to face Bucky, eyes still shut and arms still crossed tightly with her fingers gripping the sleeve of the sweatshirt.

Shock flickered across Bucky’s face. She knew what Bucky had done as the Winter Soldier; but the goddamn Black Widow had just dozed off next to em. Bucky knew she could be on her feet in a split second at any unexpected noise. But still, it wasn’t like her to go to sleep completely unguarded – unless – unless she had decided she was safer with Bucky there than when she was alone.

Even someone who thought the Winter Soldier would do whatever they told ‘it’ would never let their guard down near em. And Bucky knew enough of Natasha’s history to know she had no reason to trust the Winter Soldier.

She wasn’t acting like she was with the Winter Soldier. She was seeing em as Bucky.

Bucky didn’t manage to fall asleep that night. But it got easier to breathe. Eventually ey lay back on the roof to watch the sky turn from dark blue to purple, then finally to a pale blue-gray.

It was at that point that Natasha yawned, an exaggerated noise that sounded like it came from some kind of seal (or maybe whale). Bucky sat up, a little disoriented by how fast the night seemed to have gone. After a moment Nat finally opened her eyes, and glanced blearily at Bucky then out at the cityscape. Bucky considered leaving immediately, but then paused.

In a voice rough with disuse, Bucky said, “I… think I can smell pancakes inside the apartment.”

Natasha got a glint in her eyes, and hopped to her feet as if she hadn’t been on a rooftop all night. She extended a hand towards Bucky

“Looks like we should help Sam and Steve with those; Steve’ll be sorry if he has to eat too many himself.”

Bucky took her hand, even though ey didn’t need it of course, and followed Nat’s lead down the side of the building and through the kitchen’s open window.


End file.
